In the deepest parts of us, below the surface, no matter how hard our exterior shell is...those layers of armor and toughness to protect ourselves; we all want to be known and loved. We don’t spend much time, if at all, talking about our deepest fears, our pains, our sorrows, or even our dreams, our desire for love and acceptance. Perhaps we think it shows weakness, more likely we’ve been hurt and we don’t want to risk it again. The people we love failed us, let us down, injured us, jaded our view of life.
Now you’re left empty and afraid; feeling lonely. You may even be surrounded by people, friends, family...but there is a disconnect. They don’t even know how bad it hurts. They don’t know about the internal discontentment with life, the stirring in your soul for something more, something meaningful...they wouldn’t understand if you tried to tell them, at least you think. So you smile and go along for the ride, but you’re slowly dying inside.
The love you seek is not what you think it is. It’s not romance or even friendship; it is intimacy. For your innermost self to be known by another; a deep relationship. To be accepted as you are and loved in spite of yourself; unconditionally. Is there such a thing...does it exist? We desperately want it to, what a relief that would be.
However, the days roll on and the aching continues and grows. It becomes unbearable at times and leaves your numb inside. You’re just going through the motions. There are moments when you just want to feel something, anything. It doesn’t matter. You feel trapped in your circumstances, tied down by the weight of what feels like a meager existence or perhaps the feeling that it will never get any better than what you have now. You are desperate to break out, but from what? You don’t really know. It’s a living nightmare in some ways; empty, empty, empty.
You feel exhausted from just thinking about it. Time to crawl into bed and escape into a dream. Perhaps it’s worse, escape takes the shape of a bottle, a pill, a warm body...anything for some temporary relief. Some short term pleasure, a fleeting moment of happiness, a distraction or even just forgetting about it for a short while - we cope. If only that were enough, but it’s not. Matter of fact, it somehow makes it worse. The void, the emptiness, gets bigger so we cling to our choice for coping even more. We spend more time with it, increase the frequently...but it only intensifies our thirst for relief even further. Our coping mechanism might even be considered healthy by any standard, but it’s purpose and effect are the same. It is a vicious cycle we can’t seem to break. Something has to give.
In the mix of all of this we begin to feel a sense of worthlessness, insecurity...if we weren’t feeling that way already. We become super sensitive to the words others use to define us. Anything that sounds negative cuts like a knife inside of us. We may not show it on the surface, we fight like mad to cover it up, but we hurt desperately. Somehow it almost feels like we are unloved, even if others tell us differently. We may even feel unlovable, flawed somehow...broken, unfixable.
Some days we don’t even think we deserve to be rescued from this mess or that it’s not possible. Others we could practically cry out to be saved, please, at any cost! Who do we cry out to, who can help us? We’re frustrated...it seems hopeless. Pointless to even try perhaps.
Every day our thoughts destroy us a little more, our perception of life as we see it. We value our life, we value our family and our friendships. We have expectations for the way these relationships should be. Either what we have created in our own minds or perhaps what has been created for us on a tv show or movie. There is this ideal picture; if we could only have that! Everything would ok. Instead, they seem hollow or superficial, disjointed, forced, painful...I don’t know. They consume a lot of energy just to maintain and they are full of injury. Over and over you’ve been burned, cast aside, made to feel insignificant, belittled, controlled, abused...and here we are again; worthless.
“Why can’t I find or change the circumstances, the person or people to make it all better? To find relief and comfort” you ask yourself. It feels like your running away, but from what and where to? You don’t know, but the sensation won’t go away. So the question becomes, have you had enough? Are you ready to give up? The hard truth is we’ve tried just about everything haven’t we...nothing is working. Why? Because we are doing life our way and failing miserably at it.
You may have tried religion or spirituality. Maybe you worked hard at being a good person and living an honest life. You could have gone the route of living for the moment and doing whatever makes you happy and brings you pleasure. Perhaps you are a Christian doing all the things Christians do; going to church, participating in Bible study, serving in ministry at the church. Yet, with all these different ways of doing life...these feelings still plague you.
I have wrestled for a couple weeks now with this post sitting unfinished of how to bring the answers. How can I boil down the solutions to one blog post, making it applicable? Oh, believe me there is a way out, I know because I’ve been there too! You don’t have to stay in this place any longer and the alternative is simply beautiful!
Beth Moore describes this sensation as being stuck in a mirky, muddy pit, being unable to escape. That’s one good way of putting it. As a matter of fact, I would like to explore the situation from this viewpoint as Beth writes about it in her book, “Get Out of That Pit.” I propose you join me in an online study of the book over the next 10 weeks. What do you have to loose?
Go buy a copy at a Christian book store or order it online. If you are not a Christian, don’t freak out on me! I’m not asking you to join a religion...we gonna talk about this problem specifically and talk about relationship. If you are a Christian, don’t freak out on me! If you resonated with this entry then you don’t have it all figured out...good news, neither do I! You’re in good company. We’ll work on it together. Also, I realize Beth Moore has been “branded” as women’s studies...get over it! Send me a facebook message, email or blog comment if you might join me. We’ll start in a week, so get to it!
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