After the move - May 18,2009 -

Dear friends and family,
Saturday was by far the hardest day I have had to face in my life, but for as bad as it was...God was better. After moving all of the things Jessica had requested she went to work while we went back to the house for the second and final load. Loving friends and family helped me to understand that I needed to make a clean break and allow Jessica to truly have the separation that she wants and not to let it linger. So, we packed up every worldly possession she owns, removed everything from the house that she could possibly want to come back for and moved them into her apartment as well...and then we installed a new lock on the door. I feel at peace about this as if I have finally let go and now I can just let God.

Thank you again for your outpouring of support. To my friends and family who helped me through the day I am eternally grateful. For the church, my brothers and sisters in Christ, as I came to the alter on my knees you where there for me laying your hands on my body in love and solidarity. For all of the hundreds of prayer warriors who are lifting me and my family up and praying for Jessica's heart, your prayers help sustain me. Your encouraging words, sharing your personal trials and testaments...they build my hope and continually renew my faith.

This morning something new occurred. I have struggled with feelings of wanting to dig in and discover evidence of possible transgressions, but this morning my heart was filled with images of love as I walked out of my room to see my baby Leo fast asleep cuddled up in my mother's arms. I took a picture, it was so beautiful, I would share it with you, but I fear my mom would beat me for posting a picture in her pjs. :) This is the benefit of prayer and faithfulness. Love replacing fear, bitterness, and loneliness. Praise God through whom all blessing flow.

My boys know that my love for their mother is steadfast and will not change. We talked about demonstrating patience, endurance, love, forgiveness, and grace. We pray for an extra measure of these fruits and to deepen our understanding in them and ability to live it out. Their hearts ache for oneness as well. It was brought to their attention that they will be lucky to have two houses to live in (someone mentioned in the interest of cheering them up) to which Gabriel aptly replied, “you call that lucky!”

Leo clings to me like there is no tomorrow. He misses his mother terribly because he rarely sees her now. Logan and I cried and prayed together in his bedroom for a while. Luke I am concerned about the most. He holds everything in and doesn't want to talk about it. I know that he is quietly taking in everything so I pray that God would provide the right opportunity for him to let it out and grieve.

Today's song of worship, praise and getting me through the day, Casting Crowns, “Who am I?”

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

If you haven't notice music is the medium in which God speaks to my heart, that I use to praise His name and the words speak His truth and righteousness. If you have songs that you would like to share with me, please do. Feel free to share my thoughts with others, it will only increase the prayer circle and God's ministry.

With burning love and thanksgiving,
Brian