My heart ache - June 26, 2009

Dear friends and family,

It has been a while since I last wrote you. I have so much to share. So much I am learning through good counsel and the Word. I have been working to formulate those thoughts and lessons to paper. It is a difficult task. Till then, I could go on and on about God’s provision, His grace and peace. He is amazing and I know He is sovereign over all. He is in control and I am not. Instead today, I bring you my struggle so as to encourage one another and lift it up in prayer.

I write my bride letters to share with her my heart. I do not want to breach any confidence I have with her, but this one time I will share with you a couple excerpts that aptly express my current challenge and I do not believe it will create any jeopardy in our trust.

Excerpt 1

My thoughts betray me as they take me to places I wish not to go. I shutter at the thought of you ever in another man’s arms, sharing the affection that I long for, pouring out your heart that I desire to be one with. The agony of such thoughts mixed with the pain of my longing over you feels unbearable at times. I know my resolve with not change, I love you so much. No one can take that from me. So I believe it is now Satan’s plan to try to take away my hope, to burden me with deep sorrow and despair.

This week I have felt moments of being overwhelmed with grief, stricken almost to panic that we may never be a family again. I can’t begin to explain how much it hurts my heart. How can I go from being in such a state of joy and happiness in the Lord to such a deep valley? I know how, my love for you is great, my flesh is weak, my spirit is challenged to break, my thoughts can be so bleak, my circumstance is not aligned with what should be, my heart calls out in desperation to the one it was given to, my family is fractured, there seems to be an impossible cavernous separation of our souls, you are not in my arms, nor do you invite them to hold you.

Excerpt 2

I am not telling you all of this to burden you. I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know that I will endure anything for you. If this pain and agony brings us together again somehow, if we are closer, if we share our hearts together and love like never before, then bring on the pain. I want all of it if that is what it takes. Let me bear my cross so we can have a new life together.

With great love,

Brian

“Out of the depths of pain brought forth great love. From sorrow and despair came amazing hope. In turmoil and restlessness there was overwhelming peace. Darkness was blotted out with brilliant light. Through loneliness and separation was formed incredible oneness.” -Brian Wheeler

Today’s song is by Hillsong – This is our God (I highly recommend you download it. It is such a powerful worship song)

Your grace is enough

More than I need

And your word I will believe

I wait for you

Draw near again

And your spirit make me new

And i will fall at your feet

I will fall at your feet

And i will worship you here

Your presence in me

Jesus light the way

By the power of your word

I am restored

I am redeemed

By your spirit i am free

And i will fall at your feet

I will fall at your feet

And i will worship you here

Freely you gave it all for us

Surrendered your life upon that cross

Great is your love

Poured out for all

This is our God

Lifted on high from death to life

Forever our God is glorified

Sovereign king

Rescued the world

This is our God